We have been a new world of “norm” for a little over 4 years now as family. I can’t believe I didn’t come across this poem/story sooner. It was shared with me among a Facebook group that I am part of for Claire’s genetic disorder. I wanted to talk about it a little and share it here for those who struggle with the unexpected destination your life has taken you to as well.
The “Welcome to Holland” essay is an analogy of sorts. It talks about the expected place of travel or child in this instance but then getting blessed with the unexpected – a child with a disability. For those who have never read the essay before here it is below:
WELCOME TO HOLLAND” BY EMILY PERL KINGSLEY, 1987
“I AM OFTEN ASKED TO DESCRIBE THE EXPERIENCE OF RAISING A CHILD WITH A DISABILITY – TO TRY TO HELP PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT SHARED THAT UNIQUE EXPERIENCE TO UNDERSTAND IT, TO IMAGINE HOW IT WOULD FEEL. IT’S LIKE THIS……
WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY, IT’S LIKE PLANNING A FABULOUS VACATION TRIP – TO ITALY. YOU BUY A BUNCH OF GUIDE BOOKS AND MAKE YOUR WONDERFUL PLANS. THE COLISEUM. THE MICHELANGELO DAVID. THE GONDOLAS IN VENICE. YOU MAY LEARN SOME HANDY PHRASES IN ITALIAN. IT’S ALL VERY EXCITING.
AFTER MONTHS OF EAGER ANTICIPATION, THE DAY FINALLY ARRIVES. YOU PACK YOUR BAGS AND OFF YOU GO. SEVERAL HOURS LATER, THE PLANE LANDS. THE STEWARDESS COMES IN AND SAYS, “WELCOME TO HOLLAND.”
“HOLLAND?!?” YOU SAY. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOLLAND?? I SIGNED UP FOR ITALY! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE IN ITALY. ALL MY LIFE I’VE DREAMED OF GOING TO ITALY.”
BUT THERE’S BEEN A CHANGE IN THE FLIGHT PLAN. THEY’VE LANDED IN HOLLAND AND THERE YOU MUST STAY.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT THEY HAVEN’T TAKEN YOU TO A HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, FILTHY PLACE, FULL OF PESTILENCE, FAMINE AND DISEASE. IT’S JUST A DIFFERENT PLACE.
SO YOU MUST GO OUT AND BUY NEW GUIDE BOOKS. AND YOU MUST LEARN A WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE. AND YOU WILL MEET A WHOLE NEW GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE MET.
IT’S JUST A DIFFERENT PLACE. IT’S SLOWER-PACED THAN ITALY, LESS FLASHY THAN ITALY. BUT AFTER YOU’VE BEEN THERE FOR A WHILE AND YOU CATCH YOUR BREATH, YOU LOOK AROUND…. AND YOU BEGIN TO NOTICE THAT HOLLAND HAS WINDMILLS….AND HOLLAND HAS TULIPS. HOLLAND EVEN HAS REMBRANDTS.
BUT EVERYONE YOU KNOW IS BUSY COMING AND GOING FROM ITALY… AND THEY’RE ALL BRAGGING ABOUT WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME THEY HAD THERE. AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL SAY “YES, THAT’S WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO. THAT’S WHAT I HAD PLANNED.”
AND THE PAIN OF THAT WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER GO AWAY…BECAUSE THE LOSS OF THAT DREAM IS A VERY VERY SIGNIFICANT LOSS. BUT…IF YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE MOURNING THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN’T GET TO ITALY, YOU MAY NEVER BE FREE TO ENJOY THE VERY SPECIAL, THE VERY LOVELY THINGS … ABOUT HOLLAND.”
Oh…my heart. It is so true and it pains me each time I read it. Not a sad pain just an ache for those who share the same feelings as this above and the same feelings as I feel as each day passes. The same families who wanted to travel to Italy so bad but ended up in the unexpected and unfamiliar Holland! A place we navigate daily with new challenges and twist and turns.
SOME OF THE THINGS I HAVE LEARNED OVER THE PAST 4 YEARS WHILE IN “HOLLAND”.
Challenges are a “given” with a child with disabilities but the rewards and blessings that come along with them are priceless and out weigh those challenges.
Faith, Patience, Compassion, Caring, Grace and Love are things of God. As I am taught these things through my child daily, I become more like him.
It is what it is and so why waste precious time trying to fight something you can’t change.
It’s easy to dwell on the crappy and difficult times or situations. That is a fact. But if we dwell too much in those spots that is where we will stay. We will then miss out on our child’s life or the “great” that is going on around us. I have to put focus on how happy Claire is. How she is thriving and meeting goals of her own! I have to let go of dreams that are unattainable, but that’s okay. That just makes more room for those new dreams that are attainable!
Start focusing on things you know your child WILL do, and not what they WON’T do.
This one is so hard for me. But I am getting there. If the guilt, regret and the pain of grieving for what will never be (wrote more on that here and here), is released, then it can be replaced with joy and excitement of what our girl is learning to do and overcome! Not what was never there or will never be there.
Life gets easier and there are unexpected amazing miracles that will come your way if you put focus into the right things.
So Holland for us hasn’t been that bad. Different yes, bad no. If it wasn’t for Claire’s genetic disorders and her diagnoses I would have probably never visited “Holland” and never discovered how incredible the view is! I would never have had my experiences to share with other moms. Experiences which have brought me closer to some I never knew were out there. Moms who share these same feelings, experiences and emotions about this wonderful place we called Holland!
(This post was written for our sweet new friends Kelci, Jeff and Elle. We are so blessed to have been connected with you!)
