There are many days I wake up and think, “Am I a good autism mom?”
I am 100% am doubting myself as an autism mom. I know this may sound strange to some but I also know I can’t be alone in feeling this. As a mom in general we experience so many emotions from joy, fatigue, frustration, overwhelmed, anger but one in particular really gets me as Claire’s mom…doubt.
daily doubts in my autism motherhood
- Am I doing the right thing for Claire and her schooling?
- Should I be more involved in her school?
- Did I say the wrong terminology in a post?
- Should I be concerned about Claire’s diet?
- Is she in the right therapies?
- Should I start a foundation like other moms are doing? Should I start a podcast? Ha! (It seems everyone is these days).
- Do I need to get involved more with our local autism group? How even involved is our local autism group in our community? Do I need to somehow do something about that?
Learning as I go
Claire was only diagnosed in 2020. We are coming up on 3 years this May. That may seem like a long time but in the grand scheme of things it’s a very short period of time. My time advocating for my daughter may not be as significant or as lengthy as the next. But, if everyone thinks back to the start of navigating something new, you too would remember yourself on unfamiliar ground. You feel lost but want to do more, contribute more, help your child more.
To be honest, I am not the most knowledgeable about Autism even though Claire is Autistic. I know it’s a process in growing that comes with mothering a special needs child no matter what the diagnosis. You learn as you go. You research and you find others that can help teach you. You find other moms who have autistic children who have maybe been on the journey longer.
the lack there of
Many times I think do I need to be more involved. Is our local autism community even thriving to exist? How and when and where do I get involved? Should I start a local autism moms coffee date? I often feel that our community has a “lack there of” so to speak, which makes me feel responsible to create something. What that is I have no clue. Our town just feels quiet on the autism community even though we have 4 ABA centers in our town of 120,000 people. Is that my fault though, is that something I should start the change on. How and where and when do I do that? Do you see where the “lacking” can make me doubt what I am doing?
I question whether I am doing enough for Claire, advocating enough, advocating about the right things. Am I as knowledgeable as other Autism moms. A lot of times I feel incompetent in the area of autism. I feel extremely inadequate and incapable of doing it “right”! Do I know the right terms or vocabulary, are we seeing the right doctors. It’s silly really. In a way I am comparing myself to other autism parents.
“Social” Support
Learning the new world around you as an autism mom can be scary from every angle. I know there are many in the autism community that help educate and support others around them. But then there are others that make me feel like I am not doing enough, using the right terms, not raising as much awareness. A lot of this stems from the online community and many of these people don’t even know I exist or that I feel that way. It boils down to the comparison of my autism motherhood versus theirs. It’s not going to look the same, and I am fully aware of that. But it doesn’t make me doubt my own any less.
However, social support whether from a community online or your community you live in is so important for growing your knowledge but really your emotional well being. Studies done over the years have shown that more than 50% of mothers report a decreased ability to enjoy life as they face the challenges associated with raising a child with ASD. Low levels of social support have been identified as the most powerful predictor of depression and anxiety in the mothers. (You can read the full studio here.)
How i try to stop My doubt
I have been reading a lot lately about self doubt and I have come to the conclusion that doubting is probably more about you as a person and less about your child. Growth can really happen in these doubtful times, but we can’t stay in those doubting stages.
- Read – I try to read when I am feeling incompetent. Read about autism, read other moms blogs that I can relate to but don’t make me feel “less”. I read to take my mind off things.
- Try not to “hate on yourself”. When you start to dislike yourself for feeling like you “aren’t enough or doing enough” you can often find it hard to find the will to do anything, so then you do just that…Nothing.
- Focus on the positives and things we have done, accomplished and overcome.
- Write! I put my words and thoughts on paper. Sounds too simple, but sometimes its a good way to let it out which then can lead to brainstorming something great!
- Pray – it can really be that simple to shift your mind.
Although you may feel like you lack confidence in your autism motherhood, you don’t. You are still growing in knowledge, growing in your own awareness for you, for your child and the autism community.
You can read more on Claire and my motherhood journey here!
